Olivia Wolff asked us to write an article on Updog Kombucha in exchange for a sick purple t-shirt. How could we say no to that? Instead of a lame article, we decided to write a short one act play in Shakespearean English. Feel free to read in a British accent.
A London Bar in the past
I herald news not of your liking.
‘Tis Arthur. I am afraid his health and temperament have turned.
Alas, I have feared such news for some fortnights.
Why doth your health forsake thee?
Our love, in its spring and full of life.
Yet your illness stains the day.
By Jove, may this be a test?
For we shall not allow the King nor God
To cometh between our brave souls.
My William, ‘tis the prognosis?
‘Tis grim, my lady.
His gut doth protest too much.
The doctor, aged and wise
Has not viewed nor heard
Of a case this vile and less of hope.
My lady, my heart cries of sadness
To bring such news to thee.
Lady Margaret begins to sob.
Friends, I suggest to thee a potion
From the Orient doth come.
Its power, witches envy;
Its magic, Merlin desires.
Your lover, deep in sorrow
Hope, forsaken thee.
Bring him to the brewpub
For his life is the stake.
’Tis the one last option
For your love, the risk is worth.
William scurries out of the bar to go and retrieve the ailing body of Arthur.
Barkeep, this far east potion,
Of whose magic I doth hope,
Can save my lover’s biome
And thus, our future!
Doth it have a name?
The shaman that delivered it
Hath named the potion Kombucha.
Of Japan, it’s origin
May thy delivery to my lover
Remedy for his sickness.
So, once more, happiness doth cometh
In our house and in our hearts.
At this moment, Arthur is brought in on a stretcher, mumbling incoherently, William by his side.
Barkeep, deliver thy potion.
Doth he prefer Mojito,
Or doth he prefer Hibiscus?
Give thee both,
For only god knoweth the preference.
The bartender drops in Arthur’s mouth two drops of each Kombucha. With each drop, Arthur’s body shakes dramatically.
Up, my Arthur, my dog!
Methinks his life has vanished.
They all begin to leave the bar, with grave sadness. Then they hear a faint stirring.
Halt, thy friends!
Tis Arthur, his soul has vanished not!
Look! The ‘boocha’s magic
Has doth life brought back to thee.
A great miracle upon thy bar,
A life, doth saved.
A great miracle!
Even St Paul is shocked.
The Kombucha saved thee, my lover.
A great debt I doth owe to it.
We must spread thy word to all
Of the powers of the Boocha.
For my life is one,
Yet I shall dedicate myself
To the health of mine countrymen.
They shall all know the powers
This potion doth undertake.
A life together shared,
Full of love and full of drink.
To save thine with bacteria
Our health, we are sure to thank.
They embrace and curtains close.
And thus, Arthur and Margaret spent the rest of their lives spreading the good word of Kombucha, and a few years later Updog Kombucha is born.